Tales of the Parodyverse

Pants Baron #5! The story that just refuses to end! By Nats and Whatshisface!


Post By

Nats
Sat Dec 06, 2003 at 06:32:56 pm EST
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Pants Baron #5…I think!
By Nats & Balefire & Gary Coleman…only less so.
The story that just won’t die!


Previously on Angel:

Angel to Darla: "You're never gonna be alone again."
The door bursts open. Drusilla walks in.
Lindsey: "How did you think..."

Wait a minute...

Previously in the Pants Baron:

Messenger and Dark Knight have found themselves prisoners of the Pants Baron after a plan gone terribly wrong. Nats has managed to get himself knocked unconcious yet again. The Tedites were for the most part absent from the last issue.

Apparently our unwitting heroes have a traitor in their midst and several other plot lines are going on that could end with the enslavement of all man-kind by a pants-stealing fiend. And picking up with our climactic ending:

"Bellbottoms are back in style?" Nats cried in shock.

"Not really," the Tedite assigned to watch him replied. "It's more of a comfort thing. The robes can be a bit too...robey, sometimes."

And now for the more climactic part...

"So you'll only help me defeat the ultimate evil of the Pants Baron if I become...Evil Pope?" Balefire reiterated.

"For the third time...yes," Catholic Pope told him.

"But what about me? I thought I was Evil Pope!" Tony Danza complained, stepping out from behind a potted plant.

"Where in hell did you come from?" Catholic Pope asked with apparent surprise. "I thought we threw you out of the train on the way over here."

"Yeah, well he told me I could stay," Tony Danza said, gesturing to an mostly decomposed corpse.

"Hmm, who's the boss around here?" Balefire wondered. "And what on earth just drove me to make a rather lame Tony Danza joke?"

“Dead Pope couldn’t have told you that, he’s been dead.” Irish Pope explained.

“You have a dead Pope?” Balefire asked.

“He was Evil Pope before Tony Danza over there, but he died a while back and we had an opening for Dead Pope, so...”

"I thought that was just a leftover Halloween decoration," Balefire said.

"Whatchu popin' about, Willis?" Bad 80's Sitcom Pope quipped. "Who's the Pope?"

"So, will you go for Door Number One or Door Number Two?" asked Game Show Host Pope.

Balefire just stared at them blankly. "Um..."

Gunslinger Pope chewed on his tobaccy and spit it on the floor. "Well...either yer with us or yer ain't...pilgrim."

Balefire thought about it for a moment. "Just wondering, but if I say yes, do I get any special powers?"

"Not really, though the dental plan is great. And you get to wear white after labor day and a really big funny hat whenever you want." Mongolian Pope explained.

Mime Pope almost started to say something but caught himself in time. Ninja Pope continued. "So are you going along with the arrangement or not?"

"...where do you people keep coming from? How many more do you have back there?" responded Balefire. "And why is Tony Danza still here?"

"I, ahh...have nowhere else to go," the actor said.

"It appears that I have no choice then," Balefire decided. "The Pants Baron must be stopped, even if I have to wear a funny hat to do it."

"Good then. It is decided. From this day forth, Balefire shall be Evil Pope," The Pope declared. "Monkey Pope, go get Balefire his official action pope battle gear."

Balefire watched as the monkey scampered off into a storage closet.
He returned with a few other Popes, all holding garments. "Ook!" proclaimed Monkey Pope.

"Whatchu popin' about, Willis?" quipped Bad 80's Sitcom Pope.

“Is that all you ever say?” Balefire asked.

Another Pope with a podium in front of him handed Balefire a red pope hat. "I'm Game Show Host Pope," said he. "Now here's what you've won!"

“But…we’ve met…” Balefire reminded him.

Andy Griffith Pope whistled a jaunty tune and then turned to Balefire. "Now, repeat after me," he began.

"Do we really need to do this?" Balefire asked the assembled Popes. "Couldn't I just put on the robes and we could get on with this."

"No," Andy Griffith Pope decided. "Now, as I said before, repeat after me, I, Balefire, do pled-"

"But I'm Balefire," Balefire asserted.

"I know, but that's what you're supposed to say. Oh screw it, just put on the robes."

"I thought better of you Andy, but I guess I was wrong," Balefire said as he slid the robes over his battle armor.

"...Andy? But my name's Matlock!"

"He does this sometimes, pardner," said Gunslinger Pope. "It's best to just let it go."

"Ahh. I see. So...is there a Don Knotts Pope?"

"Unfortunately, no," replied Atheist Pope, phasing in and out of reality again.

"But what about me?" Tony Danza whined. "I've known you guys for years now, and you give my job to this guy you just met today."

"Fine," The Pope said, giving up, "We have an opening for suicide Pope. You can have it, but you would have to kill yourself first."

"And then I'll be reanimated and take the role of suicide Pope?"

"No, you'll just be dead and we'll still have an opening for suicide Pope."

"Oh," the actor noted. "Um...let me think about it."

Dead Pope just slumped there.

"So, now you'll help me fight the Pants Baron?" said Balefire, now Evil Pope.

"Yes," answered Kid Pope, a six-year-old boy in Pope vestments. "We shall."

***

Hatman sat up. The fight had lasted a while longer after the Pants Baron had left, but without thier leader, the pantalunatics were defeated like animate pairs of pants. Which... they were. The scene was a tailor's worst nightmare.

"So...what do we do now?" Trickshot wondered aloud.

"I'm thinking we give the pants to the Salvation Army," Hatman replied.

"Yeah I know that, but I'm talking about the Pants Baron now."

"We take him down," Fin Fang Foom said, pulling himself out of a pile of trousers. "Those were my purple pants, damn it!"

***

Nats woke up from the latest of his numerous comatose periods. "Ow..." he said, rubbing the several large bumps on his head. He looked around. "Where am I?"

Tedite #04041, assigned to watch him, was sitting against the wall. "We're in a room of some kind," he replied.

"Oh," Nats said. "That narrows it down."

"It also appear to be rather dark and dungeon like."

"And yet again, you aren't helping," Nats told his caretaker of sorts.

"I know, but it does seem to be annoying you. Perhaps if we left the room we would have a better idea where we are?"

"And how are we supposed to do that?" Nats asked. "There isn't any way out of here. We're trapped. We'll be left here to rot until we resort to cannibalism or die in a pile of our own feces. We-"

Nats would've kept on ranting but was interrupted as the Tedite knocked him unconscious and pulled him away from the door he had been leaning on.

The Tedite carefully opened the door and peeked out. No one was around. "Hmm," he said to himself. "A hallway. Interesting." He noted the medieval motif to the whole place. "Castle of some kind. Ahh."

"Looking for something?" a voice from behind him asked. The Tedite whirled around and found himself face-to-face with Quake.

"Well, not specifically, but now I feel a sudden urge to use the lavatory," the Tedite responded.

"Oh, it's down the hall way, second door on the left." Quake told Tedite #04041 and continued on his way before realizing what had just happened. "Wait a minute, you aren't supposed to be out here," he declared as the Tedite rounded a corner.

The Tedite took refuge behind a coat rack until Quake was safely past. "Odd, isn't Quake on Balefire's side? And if so, why his he trying to hold us captive?"

The Tedite quickly realized the coat rack he was hiding behind was a tree when the Florist came by and picked it up. "Are you the new guy?" he asked.

"What?" replied the Tedite.

"The new guy...guy hired to intern here..."

"Intern?"

"From the temp agency, right? Man, you guys are dumb. Here, hold this." The Florist handed him the small potted tree.

"Oh... umm, yeah. That's it. I'm an intern." The Tedite said, a bit confused. "So, I'm new around here and I was wondering, why do you have that guy with the red hair and the other one trapped in the castle?"

"Hmm," The Florist thought as he dug a hole to transplant the tree into. "Was the guy wearing robes like the ones you have on?"

"Yeah, I guess," #04041 said.

"Oh, you must mean Nats and the Tedite."

"Yep, that's them," the Tedite said. "So, um, why exactly are they here? Do you want me to, um, dust them off, or something?"

"Oh, we're just holding them here because the boss needs them as some kind of bargaining chip. Or maybe he said bungling chimps. No, that doesn't make any sense. And he wanted them handy to fight the Pants Baron."

"That makes sense," the Tedite decided. “Well, as opposed to the chimp thing, anyways.”

"There you are!" Quake said as he spied the Tedite and charged to towards him.

"NOOO!!!!" The Florist yelled as Quake summarily crushed his prized petunias. He threw a handful of mutated seeds to hold back the futuristic villian and our fearful follower of The Ted proceeded to make his getaway.

As Quake wrestled with the angry begonias, the Tedite quickly ran back to where Nats was.

"Oww..." Nats said, nursing a new head injury. Tedite #04041 rushed up to him and hit him with a tree. "Ow! Dammit!" Nats cursed. "Stop doing that!"

"Shut up and go back unconscious!" the Tedite hissed, swiping at Nats with the tree again.

"For the love of...ow! Stop...ow! Hitting me with the...ow!"

Quake crashed down the hallway as he pulled leafy tendrils off of him. Animated plants can always be a problem and Quake was just glad things hadn't gone down like in Evil Dead 1.

"Why are you trying to kill the new intern?" The Florist yelled as he tried to catch up with Quake.

"That's not the intern, that's the Tedite!"

"What?" the Florist replied. "Just because he wears robes, has the word 'Ted' shaved into his hair, and looks just like....hey!"

They soon caught up with Nats and the Tedite. "Don't hurt me!" The Ted worshipper begged.

Nats looked around. "Wait...we're in Balefire's castle? With Balefire's super-villain team? And we're on the same side but not? And...what was that about chimps? Oh...screw it," he said, and promptly knocked himself unconscious.

***

"-and all of the world will cower before me! Bwahahahaha... Damn you, you turned that tape off too soon!" The Pants Baron said, slapping the pantalunatic behind the camera.

Messenger looked at the Dark Knight, "Four hours at it and you would think he'd have managed get a good world domination announcement speech taped."

"And it's Mwahaha, not Bwahaha," the Dark Knight added. "What kind of a super-villain are you?"

"A fashionable-conscious one!" the Pants Baron declared, shaking his fist at them. "Now we're doing another take...get back into your positions!"

Messenger and the Dark Knight sighed and did so.

Before the Pants Baron could start taping again, a train smashed through the wall of his Cookies & Cream Factory.

"Not so fast Pants Baron!" A robed figure said stepping out of the train. "The Council of Cross Religion Popes is here to take you down!"

"Train Conductor Pope!" the Pants Baron scowled. "So we meet again!"

"We've, ah, never met," the Pope clarified.

"Oh," Pants Baron noted. "Um, right, sure. So we meet...meet! Aha! You will be no match for my Pantalunatics! Or for another group that chooses to side with me...the Tap-dancing Jewish Mafia!"

Balefire stepped out of the train in his Evil Pope garb. "Oh, you've got to be freaking kidding me," he said.

To be continued…!

Next issue: Someone dies! Well, probably not, but this will get you to read it.






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